I have been battling a lot of demons within myself lately. I remember when I was younger I used to think "Oh, when I am 18, I will have everything figured out". Of course, when 18 rolled around and I had yet to figure out anything I thought "surely by the time I am 25, I will know what I need to know". Here I am, 25, and still learning. Some things I do know, while others I haven't made a chip in the surface. For instance, try as I might, I can not figure out what to do when certain things happen to me or people act a certain way.
For starters, I have figured out there are 3 types of people. One: this person intentionally hurts people and enjoys it. You will never hear an apology. Two: this person doesn't intentionally hurt people, but as soon as they are made aware that they have, they apologize and make amends. Three: this person doesn't intentionally hurt people, and no matter how many times you tell them they hurt you, they still stare at you oblivious. They just don't understand it, and in truth, probably never will. I know people who fit into all three of these categories. Some are easier to let go than others. However, there are others that I just can't say "eff you, you're out of my life". I forgive them over and over again only to be thrown under the bus as soon as they get an itch up their rear.
An example: I have always been a big family person. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. Have we had ups and downs? Sure. Our life hasn't exactly been easy, but it hasn't been all that rough either. So how did certain family members get to be the way they are? I never understood how certain family members were so quick to judge or bash another family member. I would sit there and just kinda shake my head and go "if this is what you're saying about her to me, what are you saying about me to her?" A couple of em just can't be happy with everyone talking. They can't be happy with who you are, you have to be who they want you to be. If you don't do as they say, all hell breaks loose. When I was younger, I didn't grasp this as readily, but now that I am older I am baffled. I try to talk to everyone. Have I been guilty of slips of the tongue when I am angry? Yes. I never claimed to be perfect...but when you go out of your way to talk crap? To purposely try to ruin a marriage, a relationship with another family member, or a reputation is beyond me. If you do that to family, boy I would hate to be your enemy. That is the type of person who intentionally hurts people, and does not care. It is for their gain and that is what matters. Well, shame on them. I have finally learned to just cut them loose. It's done. It can no longer be fixed, nor do I want to try because I refuse to be pushed under the bus again for your pleasure.
Then, I have people in my life who are angry at me for things that really don't even make sense. A part of me wishes I could shake them and go "don't you SEE it?" but I know this would get me nowhere. So I sit. I wait. These people I would truly hate to lose, but I guess if I do, I will suck it up and move on like I have always done. I suppose that is one of the perks of growing up around some of the people I did. It is easier to cut ties when needed.
I have a lot of faults. I can admit to that. I can be overly sensitive about certain things, my temper gets the best of me when I shouldn't let it, and sometimes, I would rather be a hermit then put myself out there for the kill. Yes, I said the kill. Being a military wife, that is exactly what you do. You put yourself out there for the vultures to feed on. Not all are this way, but the majority are and having been through what I have with family, no thank you to letting perfect strangers do it. Uh uh. I guess, in all this rambling, I am trying to say I am struggling to trust people. I am trying. I am learning. I am better than I was, but I will be darned if it isn't the hardest demon to fight yet.
Until next time, and another demon down,
XoX
-B
