What a nasty word.

Weight.

Unfortunately, it is something I have struggled with my whole life. I was never big growing up. In fact, I was always tiny. I didn't see it then, of course, but now I do. Getting told on a regular basis "don't wear that, it makes your ass look huge" or "I can see your gut, change that shirt" among other *ahem* nice things, I always felt HUGE. I was never huge..not until after I had my son and was in a downward spiral of depression. I stepped on the scale one day and bawled my eyes out. I had never weighed so much in my life. Why had I let myself go? So I worked my ass off to get back to where I was before I had my daughter. I looked damn good and felt it for once in my life. Then I got pregnant again and well, weight has reared its ugly little head again. Yes, I know I am pregnant. Yes, I know I am supposed to gain weight. No, I do not diet while pregnant...but there is a little part of my brain in the verrrrrry back going "good grief you are HUGE" "don't wear that, you look like a whale" "OMGosh you probably waddle" and so on and so on. I try to shut this voice up. It doesn't matter who tells me I am tiny for being so pregnant..or what the doctors say about the weight gain (cause I do eat..but I am also incredibly active)...all it takes is ONE person to go "wow, you are getting big" or "yep, definitely about to pop" or as my husband found out "why are you wearing those pants? where did they come from. They look like spandex" to make me break down crying. Did he mean it in a hurtful way? No. He was genuinely curious as to where I got those pants and what type of pants were they. He didn't say I looked bad or I looked huge..and most of the people who say I am big, don't mean it that way. Does it matter? No. The night my husband said that, I sat in the closet after taking the pants off, and cried. I cried cause I felt huge. I cried because I have nothing to wear. I cried because I know that after I have the baby, I will be flabby and my worst nightmares will become a reality. I will look like a whale for real. There is no baby belly there to disguise it. I have a feeling this is going to be an ugly game that I play with myself for years to come. 

Thankfully, my daughter will NEVER hear those words from me. She gets told regularly she is beautiful. She is told how she can make any outfit cute. I compliment her a million times a day..in a million different ways. I will do that for my daughter who has yet to be born as well. I hate that women have such a hard time in society these days with what is "ok" and what looks "good".

Enough of my ramblings, for now blog world, I bid you adieu <3>
XoX
-B