D-I-V-O-R-C-E

I hate that word with a passion. That one simple, tiny word ruins so many lives. 

Yes, I am guilty of getting a divorce, but not without trying to save my marriage first. I worked hard to save it for the entire 7 years we were together. I made counseling appointments, individual and couple. I tried date nights. I was faithful. I TRIED! But more and more these days I see so many couples turning to divorce without even lifting a finger to save what they started. Too many people, in my opinion, enter into marriage thinking they can easily get out of it with a divorce. They don't think of the consequences. It doesn't just affect you. It affects BOTH people involved, kids if there are any, extended family (sisters, moms, dads, etc), and truthfully...anyone you are with in the future.

I sat here reading a post written by a newlywed complaining about her husband. First wrong move: publicizing anything is wrong inside your home. Second: she admitted she didn't even tell HIM what was wrong. You haven't been married a month and you are wanting a divorce? Is there not something completely wrong with that picture? Marriage isn't 50/50. It is 100/100. Every day you wake up, remind yourself "I love this man. He is my husband. I will do my best to make him and myself happy today". It is work. Every day, it is work to make a marriage successful.

I am a firm believer in not publicizing when there is something wrong at home. If you and your spouse aren't happy, that is between you TWO. It is not for Facebook to know. Joe blow and Susie Q don't care. When you tell the world there is a problem, the Devil will step in. Do I think you should hold everything in? No. However, there are only a few people who might care if something happens to you and your husband..and you won't find them on Facebook. You need a support system that will tell you "work it out!" not "leave his ass". With that being said..the first person you should ever tell there is a problem to is your spouse. Only he/she can fix what they are doing wrong. If they don't know, they can't fix it. So, stop telling the world and start telling your spouse!

STOP thinking divorce is the answer to a broken relationship. Are there exceptions? Sure. I can bet on it that 99% of those divorces don't fall into that exception category though.

I am not an expert in relationships. Like I mentioned above, I have been through a divorce. But I took what I went through and I LEARNED from it. Am I perfect? No. I still hold a few things in expecting Chris to just "know" what I want him to do and get mad when he doesn't. Difference is, I recognize it. I work on it every day. I work on the damage my ex did to me so it doesn't affect my marriage now. I WORK on me and my marriage every day because I believe that is what it takes. I will not get a divorce again. I was taught if something is broken, you fix it. You don't give up. So, I won't. 

So, here is to already celebrating our 50 years of marriage ;)

XoX
-B

I am such a new mom...

Yep, I am a new mom all over again. Things have changed so much in the 4 (well almost) years since Braedyn was born. I am having to ask other NEW moms what the heck certain things are or if what I am feeling is normal. Sounds ridiculous right? Well, it's true. 

Not to mention this overwhelming sense of "I am not ready!" that just won't leave. I do not feel prepared in the slightest. I did for a short moment when the car seat arrived..but then it reared its ugly head again when I realized we have little to no clothes for her. What is my baby gonna wear? I know most of what they wear as newborns is sleepers and onesies, but we have a VERY limited amount of those. People also ask if her nursery is done. Um, it isn't even STARTED! Yes, I am that mom. 32 weeks and no crib or changing table. I have a bassinet :) That counts right? With the other two, nurseries were set up but not used until about 2-3 months so I figured I have a little time. Wishful thinking? Perhaps. I know once she is here I am not going to have any motivation what so ever to get anything done, let alone set up a nursery, but I can hope.

Wanna hear something else preposterous for a mom of 2? I am scared of labor. Yep. I remember my labor and delivery with my other two, but I don't feel like I know what to expect. Do you ever really know, even if you have had more than one? I think about everything that could go wrong. I had uterine bleeds in the beginning of my pregnancy..and I think "what if that tear/bleed happens during labor causing an emergency c-section, then surgery to repair, and I am left with a 'no more pregnancy' status?" or "what if she is so big I can't push her out and have to have a c-section?" The list goes on and on.

The things I forgot far outweigh what I remember. What if I am not a good mom to a newborn baby anymore? What if I drop her? What if I don't wake up when she cries and she is traumatized for life? What if I clip her little finger instead of her nail and she is scarred? What if I leave her in her rock n play to fix dinner, and she falls out or the puppy suffocates her or the kids think they are helping but hurt her instead? I sound ridiculous, I know, but seriously...I think about all these things. 

How did you deal with having a newborn after such a long break?

XoX
-B

What a nasty word.

Weight.

Unfortunately, it is something I have struggled with my whole life. I was never big growing up. In fact, I was always tiny. I didn't see it then, of course, but now I do. Getting told on a regular basis "don't wear that, it makes your ass look huge" or "I can see your gut, change that shirt" among other *ahem* nice things, I always felt HUGE. I was never huge..not until after I had my son and was in a downward spiral of depression. I stepped on the scale one day and bawled my eyes out. I had never weighed so much in my life. Why had I let myself go? So I worked my ass off to get back to where I was before I had my daughter. I looked damn good and felt it for once in my life. Then I got pregnant again and well, weight has reared its ugly little head again. Yes, I know I am pregnant. Yes, I know I am supposed to gain weight. No, I do not diet while pregnant...but there is a little part of my brain in the verrrrrry back going "good grief you are HUGE" "don't wear that, you look like a whale" "OMGosh you probably waddle" and so on and so on. I try to shut this voice up. It doesn't matter who tells me I am tiny for being so pregnant..or what the doctors say about the weight gain (cause I do eat..but I am also incredibly active)...all it takes is ONE person to go "wow, you are getting big" or "yep, definitely about to pop" or as my husband found out "why are you wearing those pants? where did they come from. They look like spandex" to make me break down crying. Did he mean it in a hurtful way? No. He was genuinely curious as to where I got those pants and what type of pants were they. He didn't say I looked bad or I looked huge..and most of the people who say I am big, don't mean it that way. Does it matter? No. The night my husband said that, I sat in the closet after taking the pants off, and cried. I cried cause I felt huge. I cried because I have nothing to wear. I cried because I know that after I have the baby, I will be flabby and my worst nightmares will become a reality. I will look like a whale for real. There is no baby belly there to disguise it. I have a feeling this is going to be an ugly game that I play with myself for years to come. 

Thankfully, my daughter will NEVER hear those words from me. She gets told regularly she is beautiful. She is told how she can make any outfit cute. I compliment her a million times a day..in a million different ways. I will do that for my daughter who has yet to be born as well. I hate that women have such a hard time in society these days with what is "ok" and what looks "good".

Enough of my ramblings, for now blog world, I bid you adieu <3>
XoX
-B

Demons

I have been battling a lot of demons within myself lately. I remember when I was younger I used to think "Oh, when I am 18, I will have everything figured out". Of course, when 18 rolled around and I had yet to figure out anything I thought "surely by the time I am 25, I will know what I need to know". Here I am, 25, and still learning. Some things I do know, while others I haven't made a chip in the surface. For instance, try as I might, I can not figure out what to do when certain things happen to me or people act a certain way.

For starters, I have figured out there are 3 types of people. One: this person intentionally hurts people and enjoys it. You will never hear an apology. Two: this person doesn't intentionally hurt people, but as soon as they are made aware that they have, they apologize and make amends. Three: this person doesn't intentionally hurt people, and no matter how many times you tell them they hurt you, they still stare at you oblivious. They just don't understand it, and in truth, probably never will. I know people who fit into all three of these categories. Some are easier to let go than others. However, there are others that I just can't say "eff you, you're out of my life". I forgive them over and over again only to be thrown under the bus as soon as they get an itch up their rear.

An example: I have always been a big family person. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. Have we had ups and downs? Sure. Our life hasn't exactly been easy, but it hasn't been all that rough either. So how did certain family members get to be the way they are? I never understood how certain family members were so quick to judge or bash another family member. I would sit there and just kinda shake my head and go "if this is what you're saying about her to me, what are you saying about me to her?" A couple of em just can't be happy with everyone talking. They can't be happy with who you are, you have to be who they want you to be. If you don't do as they say, all hell breaks loose. When I was younger, I didn't grasp this as readily, but now that I am older I am baffled. I try to talk to everyone. Have I been guilty of slips of the tongue when I am angry? Yes. I never claimed to be perfect...but when you go out of your way to talk crap? To purposely try to ruin a marriage, a relationship with another family member, or a reputation is beyond me. If you do that to family, boy I would hate to be your enemy. That is the type of person who intentionally hurts people, and does not care. It is for their gain and that is what matters. Well, shame on them. I have finally learned to just cut them loose. It's done. It can no longer be fixed, nor do I want to try because I refuse to be pushed under the bus again for your pleasure.

Then, I have people in my life who are angry at me for things that really don't even make sense. A part of me wishes I could shake them and go "don't you SEE it?" but I know this would get me nowhere. So I sit. I wait. These people I would truly hate to lose, but I guess if I do, I will suck it up and move on like I have always done. I suppose that is one of the perks of growing up around some of the people I did. It is easier to cut ties when needed.

I have a lot of faults. I can admit to that. I can be overly sensitive about certain things, my temper gets the best of me when I shouldn't let it, and sometimes, I would rather be a hermit then put myself out there for the kill. Yes, I said the kill. Being a military wife, that is exactly what you do. You put yourself out there for the vultures to feed on. Not all are this way, but the majority are and having been through what I have with family, no thank you to letting perfect strangers do it. Uh uh. I guess, in all this rambling, I am trying to say I am struggling to trust people. I am trying. I am learning. I am better than I was, but I will be darned if it isn't the hardest demon to fight yet.

Until next time, and another demon down,
XoX
-B

On to bigger and better things :)

Wow, it has been quite a while since I have written. I am not sure if that is because I have been super busy or just not motivated. Possibly a mixture of both, but I am hoping to get back into the mix of things.

 I have been lacking any sort of motivation lately. I am going to blame the pregnancy hormones. Yep, I am pregnant! Told ya I was busy ;) We found out Father's Day actually. I was shocked. I only took a test because Chris kept telling me I was. Of course I didn't believe him and definitely did not think that at just 3 weeks it would show on a test. The line was so faint at first I thought I was seeing things so I called Chris in to see if he saw what I did. Sure enough, there were 2 pink lines. I took another one and it showed up immediately. I was so excited but as it hit me, I was very nervous. Given the miscarriage in December, I couldn't help but be apprehensive to get excited too quickly. Around 7 weeks, I started bleeding. Panic set in. I couldn't help but think "not again, don't take this baby too". 7 weeks was when I lost Logan. So, Chris got off work and took me to the ER and I prayed. My blood work came back with the right amount of hCG and the ultrasound showed a healthy heartbeat..but also a hemorrhage. They pretty much said you have a 50 50 chance of it resolving on its own and carrying to term or miscarrying. The hemorrhage upped my chances of a miscarriage compared to if I didn't have this issue. Reassuring huh? I just held onto the image of the baby's heart beat while I was put on bed rest. This was on a Friday. Monday we were seen again. This time Chris got to see the baby. His face was priceless. I will never forget it. He was in awe. That was HIS baby. OUR baby. We also found out the hemorrhage has gotten smaller. Good news, right? I am still on a limited "bed rest" but so far, everything looks good. I am high risk now but that just means more ultrasounds right? HAHA. I have a "big" ultrasound August 1st followed by my "first" OB appointment on the 2nd.

Baby B at 7 weeks 3 days

 

Another amazing thing? Chris and I got married! June 30th, 2012 is our "official" anniversary. The wedding was absolutely perfect. It got a little stressful but at the end of the day, walking down the "aisle" to Chris was everything I dreamed it would be. Seeing his smile, hearing him tell me I looked phenomenal, saying those vows as we put rings on the others finger...I could not have asked for anything more. He was so handsome. I saw him and my heart started racing and I couldn't help but smile like an idiot. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I was but not because I was worried I was making a mistake. I was nervous of falling, nervous of messing up my vows, or laughing at the wrong moment. I was nervous because I wanted him to see me as the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Of course I realized I was worried for nothing, but hindsight is always 20/20 right? We spent our "honeymoon" in Vegas. One of the things I love most about Chris is his willingness to try anything once. While we were in Vegas, we did CSI:The Experience, went to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, we gambled (well Chris had more of a handle on this than I did), we even ate at some interesting places. When we are together, we always have fun. I can not wait til we have our next "vacation".

 Madame Tussaud's.

CSI:The Experience. This was our "crime scene".

 

 The kids start school in August. Braedyn will be in Pre-K and Presleigh will be in Kindergarten. I can't believe they are already in school :( They have grown up so quickly. I know Presleigh is so excited though. School is all she talks about. Braedyn doesn't really get the "hey you're going to school" but I am sure once he starts he will be just as excited as Presleigh. They had check-ups with the doctors. Braedyn is above average on his knowledge! I was so proud of him. I have to take Presleigh to a cardiac specialist. Her heart condition has not gotten better. It hasn't gotten to the worst it could be, but they are concerned. She gets out of breath quickly when playing and they said that was one of the first signs she needed to be monitored more often. So, as nervous as I am, I am just going to lift it up to God. I know he will take care of my baby girl. 

*******************************************************************************

On to other news. I know I have written about the situation with my ex before...but something has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. Him and I have actually been really civil with each other. We can hold a conversation and there are no harsh words slung at each other. Amazing right? I thought so. Well, with all that had been going on, I had not been on the computer AT ALL except to open Skype for the kids to talk to him (which was maybe 4 or 5 times honestly). When I finally got home, per his request, I unblocked his girlfriend on Facebook (in reality, I unblocked EVERYONE I had on the list because there was no reason to keep them on there). I mean, really, what is the point of having her blocked? She can't see anything on my page and I honestly have no true issues with her. Sure, she bashed me as a mother. She even went so far as to threaten me and block the kid's Facebook page (real mature, I know, but after a while she unblocked them so I said nothing more on it). Well, whatevs. Past is the past and I wasn't completely innocent in any of that (nor did I claim to be, mind you). When we finally got back and I was out of the hospital, I got an IM from my ex saying that she is telling him I wrote her an e-mail. She knew I unblocked her. Hmm. I thought I was the one who was stalking her pages? How on Earth would she have known I unblocked her? Not sure, but I NEVER wrote this chic. Why would she tell him I did? My ex knew I was in the hospital and told me he only said something so I knew what was going on but he didn't think there was really an e-mail. Well, good cause there isn't! I just don't understand why she lied about something so easily traceable? I promised my ex I wouldn't write her LAST YEAR..and I HAVEN'T!!! What is the point? I am happy. I don't want my ex back. Heck, I don't want any issues with my ex because it's not good for the kids. Every time they (as in my ex and his girlfriend) fight, I am thrown into because I get the attitude backlash from my ex and her spewing nonsense about me writing her and threatening her. He asked how she might know I knew she blocked the kids. Well, probably cause she has your passwords my dear. I guess what I am getting at here is I don't understand why she is still, after all this time, lying about me? I haven't said anything. I haven't done anything. Heck, like I mentioned before, I am HAPPY!! She is supposed to be coming in October with my ex for his time with the kids. I told my ex she is more than welcome to come to Presleigh's birthday party. I am trying but she is still going on. So, if anyone has ANY advice on how to handle this, I am all ears!

 Taking the kids shooting for the first time!

 Pool time at Papaw and Meena's

Until next time, I bid you adieu.

XoX

-B

baby showers, weddings, and vegas OH MY!

Hello blog world! Where to start? Well, you know Chris is home :) and that he proposed. I got my new Kindle finally :) We spent Father's day in Vegas with my dad! That was the first time in YEARS that we were able to do that! As of right now, we are in Reno, NV preparing for his sister's baby shower tomorrow. I am so excited!!! I love baby showers :) and I can not wait until Teeghan is here. I am secretly hoping she comes while we are here ;) Who doesn't love new born babies.

 me and Pres right before we got into Vegas

Bubba and my daddy at Father's day breakfast

 me and Chris at his homecoming <3

My new Kindle :)

Sunday we are going shooting. We are bringing the littles with us. I am excited to see how they act. We bought them special ear muffs for the sound. I would LOVE for the kids to learn to shoot. We are definitely going to be teaching them the safety precautions though.

June 30th is our wedding! I can not wait. We have done a lot but I feel like we have so much left to do! We need to get the flowers, map out the park area, work on hair styles, get Chris his tie, get Presleigh her shoes, work on the aisle, get a final head count for dinner, get our marriage certificate, etc. Thankfully we already have the rings, my dress, the kids outfits, the hotel room, my dad and mom are all booked in a hotel, the cake ordered, the officiator is picked, the park area is picked (just not mapped out), and a few other things that are escaping my mind right now LOL Weddings, even small ones, can be way more stressful and time consuming than I thought. I really can't wait though. One, because I am actually getting a wedding (even if it is small, its perfect!) and two, because I am marrying my best friend. Oh, and can't forget, my daddy is gonna be there this time to walk me down the aisle. Good times await!

 Bubba at a ride in the mall

 Cousins :)

After the wedding, we are headed to Vegas for about a week and some odd days. We have LOTS planned. The mob tour, dancing, drinking, the wax museum, bodies exhibit, a show or two, swimming, and ALONE TIME! It should be a blast.

I really am thankful for everything in my life. Sure, we have had a few patches of bad luck (like Chris breaking the BRAND NEW phone we just bought him, and having to pay 199 to get a replacement *yes that is the deductible because it is the new HTC One X* or getting pulled over on the way up here) but overall, nothing but good things.

That is all the time I have for now..so until next time blog world, I bid you adieu.
XoX
-B

PS. here is a pic of a dish COVERED in cheese..for my friend Anna who is going through a hard time right now. It's inside joke but I hope it makes her smile :)

life and all it's changes!

It has been a minute since I have had the time to sit down and blog. I will blame it on all of life's changes! It has only been two weeks but SO much has happened. The first being Chris coming home :) What a loooong process but it was so worth it. 

Not only did he finally come home May 31st, he proposed! He did it in the most romantic way possible too (well in my opinion but I could just be biased ;) ) Shortly after the picture above (yes I ran and jumped into his arms almost knocking him over HA) he got down on one knee in front of everyone and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Hearing "Will you marry me Brittany?" was the most emotional moment I have ever experienced, aside from giving birth. I had always heard about those moments where your heart stops, your eyes tear up, and everything else around you disappears but I had never had one. He gave me that. 

 

The kids have taken to him amazingly. I was a bit worried because it was a BIG change. It had been me and them for over a year so to add another was scary. He is absolutely 110% one of the best daddies I have ever seen. He is patient, loving, kind, and when he needs to be a little tough. He is the total package. I couldn't ask for anyone better.

 I was also worried about things changing with him and I. Moving in with someone is a BIG step. We had over 8 months to get to know each other on one of the most intimate levels possible, but not the most physical. I was worried for nothing of course ;) Him and I are so much alike, but we are also so different. We compliment each other in ways I never thought possible. I love that he is romantic, cuddly, and completely in tune with my moods. If I am just not feeling good (thank you Fibro!), he helps. No complaints. I am so not used to that. He is a morning person..which I hate to admit, I LOVE. I am not a morning person. Wake me up at noon and we are good, but having him here..waking up early and making breakfast...is awesome. Sure, we have had a few "oh my goodness, you are irritating me beyond words right now" moments, but who doesn't? It shows us we are real. I can't say enough good things about this man!

 He made breakfast..and it was delish ;)

 Date night

 this is us.

So, things are going better than I ever imagined. We are headed to Reno on Friday. We will be getting married June 30th, 2012 in Reno with all of his family present..and with my daddy walking me down the aisle while my mom sits on my side supporting me! One of my best friends, Tori, is going to be my Maid of Honor. I feel like the most lucky girl in the world right now. 

Until next time, I bid you adieu. 

XoX

-B